How Can You Not Make Fun Of That?

West Virginia is my home state's much-maligned neighbor to the south.

Perhaps it's the isolation of the Appalachian mountains, the coal mining traditions, and now the post-industrial poverty that gives West Virginia its bad reputation. But for whatever reason, West Virginia is known as a land where duct tape is suitable for repairing cars; a lawn chair, six-pack, and wading pool is how you spent your summer vacation; and to figure out how many dogs or children you have you have to look under the porch. A land where Monongalia County was named by a governor who couldn't spell Monongahela.

It is quite beautiful, actually. A lot of my outdoorsy friends spend their weekends driving out there to climb or bike around on their mountains and frolic in the woods. They even have Bridge Day, where they close the bridge over the huge New River Gorge to let people base jump off it. And at some point in American history, West Virginia was progressive enough to forbid slavery, which is why we have a West Virginia and a Virginia in the first place.

But I digress. The reason for this post was this article in the Post-Gazette today: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08238/906798-455.stm. Turns out, Weirton, WV, has a problem with feral chickens. Feral chickens.

Feral chickens. And they seem to live on Wall Street.

Now, how can you not make fun of that?

(Photo above copyright 2008 Bob Donaldson/Post-Gazette)

Olympic Fencing Brush with Fame

At about the last national fencing competition I went to, I was chatting with some folks in the over-40 division. I had pretty much realized it wasn't worth traveling to national tournaments any more since I could only ever enter one event. And I wasn't all that good at that event either. So it's lots of trouble and expense for a half day of fencing. But I was 38 or 39 at the time, and I realized that once I was over 40, I could enter the masters category events too.

But before I could make it over 40, I lost interest in local competitions and pretty much chucked the fencing thing. But I do plan to get back to it, still.

One of the people I was watching fence in the over-40s foil was a Canadian woman. There were a lot of reasons she caught my eye. First, she was a pretty kickass fencer, and I wondered why she was in the masters competition instead of one of the open divisions. (She might have been entered in multiple divisions.) Also, she had a Chinese accent but her jacket said she was Canadian. And she was pretty: long black hair, graceful and powerful looking. She made a nice contrast to the slightly nerdy older guy who was chatting me up trying to talk me into how cool the over-40 division was.

Earlier this week, I checked out the Olympics for the first time and found out the women's Foil competition was live online. So I go to the website, watch some video, and cruise through the earlier results, and there's a familiar name. Luan. Who is this woman I saw at the tournament years ago. She's 50 now, and on the Canadian team. She made it through the first round of eliminations in the women's foil competition, which is not too shabby.

Turns out Luan Jujie won China's first and only fencing gold medal in 1984. When I saw her she was probably getting back into shape to make the Canadian team.

There's even a human-interest article on the NBC website about her. (OMG! She's old! And female! And she fences! And she used to be a Communist!)

So I guess over-40 fencing might not be so bad after all.

Just for Fun...

Well, I had some deep topics I wanted to blog about, but apparently I've lost all ability to focus. I'm thinking it's a combination of the heat and brain atrophy from watching 5 hours of the Tour de France every day for three weeks.

So instead, I bring you this:

Two-legged dogs!



Actually there are two interesting things to learn from these videos. First, dogs really don't seem to care much when they lose limbs. They just get up and get about their business. Second, the biomechanics are pretty cool; they use their core muscles to adjust their balance and it's pretty interesting to watch.

So. Better content later, I hope.

Hey, I Paid for That!

In case you were wondering, this is what shows up in your dryer filter if you pre-wash and dry 10 yards of white linen all together.

If I were crafty, I could make a really small quilt. (Maybe Barbie-sized.)

Whoah, I'm blogging about lint. Have I really sunk so low?

Reduce, Reuse, Re-read

Reduce, Reuse, Re-read
Originally uploaded by erink

At a garden center near Pittsburgh.

In related news....

This appeared on the home page of my local newspaper this afternoon.


I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

More Evidence that Hockey Players are Not Normal

Hell of a game last night. This morning.

Actually, it was more like two games, since it took six periods to finish.

The Penguins can definitely play with the Red Wings, but they keep forgetting that. In game four, they came out flying and kicked butt - including a breathtaking penalty kill where every time Detroit brought the puck across the blue line they lost posession within three seconds. Then the Pens gave up a goal - and it really was just a lucky shot, not an especially great play - and their whole outlook changed. They couldn't pass, they couldn't set up an attack, and every time a Detroit player skated near them they lost the puck.

I'm particularly happy that Maxime Talbot got the game-tying goal. He's one of the guys who is least susceptible to this performance funk. He always plays hard and never gives up. It's one thing to say that, but it's another thing to watch him behind the net in what everybody thinks is the last minute of their season, chopping at the loose puck - not once, not twice. Three times. And the third time, it goes in.

I came across this bit in the Post-Gazette story about the game. As I said before, hockey players are not like other people.

The power play that led to his goal was made possible when Detroit forward Jiri Hudler smacked Penguins defenseman Rob Scuderi in the face with his stick and received a double-minor.

"I was just praying for blood," Scuderi said.

He got his wish, and a nice scab on his chin. It matches the one on his upper lip where he got hit by a teammate in game two. And what did he say then? "It's unfortunate that it wasn't [Detroit], because it would have been four minutes."

Stoicism is pretty much a requirement in the NHL, but the playoffs do bring out remarkable feats of pain tolerance. Sergei Gonchar helped set up the Pens' winning goal. Gonchar crashed hard, head-first, into the boards at the end of the second period and left the game at the beginning of the third. But by the start of the third overtime, he said, he was feeling better. So he suited back up and thought maybe he'd try taking a shift if they got a power play (he had the most power play goals of any defenseman this season).

So Wednesday night we get our last home game of the season, win or lose. I can't complain. Hell of a season.

Though the cup would sure be nice.

Venture Bros is Back! Yaaaaaay!!!!

I happened to be up late enough last night to catch the first new episode in a year and a half when it aired. It was pretty sweet, despite the near total lack of Brock.

The "murderous moppets" did unleash some Brockworthy kickass moves on the Monarch henchmen to assert their dominance. That was fun.

This episode was all Monarch/Dr. Girlfriend. They even redid the opening credits to be all Monarch instead of the Ventures. You do get to see some of the other characters, but they don't speak. Except for Helper.

Excellent line: "I am not interested in doing a theme based on my voice!"

Which leads into this little scene:

Watch (guild henchman): Then let's work on a mutation. The Ocelot Woman! Basically, a mutated ocelot. We let it bite you and bang: ocelot powers!

Guild Henchman 2: They are fierce and super-territorial. Form-fitting costume with ears and a tail that, uh, grabs ... things.

Lady Au Pair: Uhh, no.

Watch: Okay. [Opens door number two.] Mink DeLovely. Take a quick dip in a vat of boiling minks. They have been skinned, pureed, and belted with gamma rays.

GH2: Verrrry sexy costume with this option.

LAP: I was thinking of something that plays off my abilities more than my sexuality.

Watch: Say no more. You want to number two for a woman. [To GH2: ] The feminist type. Done!

GH2: [The den of ?] murderous Betty Rage!

And also this:

Phantom Limb: Shadowman Nine!

Shadowman 9 (secretly the Monarch): Quit shoving! What? Oh, am I 9? [Looks down at number on uniform.] I thought I was Shadowguy 6.

And there are t-shirts! For every episode they're releasing a limited-edition t-shirt based on the episode; you can order it for one week only. This pushes my buttons on so many levels ... and the first shirt is one I've wanted ever since I first saw the Guild logo (was it in Fallen Arches or earlier?). So of course my order is in already.



You can get yours here. Dude.

Revenge of the Orange Crush

Pittsburgh 6, Philadelphia 0
Next up, the Stanley Cup!

Revenge of the Orange Crush
Originally uploaded by erink

Maybe the bible really does have all the answers...

I found this very modern bit of reassurance at the end of an e-mail announcing the birth of my cousin's daughter:

Psalm 139:13-14

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
No virus found in this outgoing message.
...

Adventures in Good Writing

The TV was tuned to Cartoon Network when I turned it on this afternoon, and I heard this line on the Mr. Men show:

"Hello, Miss Calamity. Exciting news. You are the grand prize winner in the Dillydale sweepstakes. You win a collection of extremely breakable glass animals."

Sweet.

Kasparaitis Tough

I figure I should get around to posting something about the hockey playoffs. It's kind of a big deal in my life, I've been scheduling around the games for weeks, and watching them has been pretty exciting.

But I hadn't been inspired yet. I mean, there was the miracle of the pretzel in Game 1 versus the Rangers, but you kind of had to be there.

And things have been going so well, you don't want to jinx it. (See, as soon as I finished that sentence the Rangers scored and went up 2-0 in game 4. I might have to finish this later....)

Things changed today when I learned that two of our players turned up this morning wearing boot casts from blocking shots with their feet on Tuesday.

Which put me in mind of the 2001 playoffs.

It was game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals, and the Pens were battling the New Jersey Devils to get to the Stanley Cup round. Darius Kasparaitis, who hits harder than anyone I've ever seen play hockey, blocked a shot with his foot in the first period. It hurt, so he went to the locker room. The doctor told him he had broken bones in his foot. And he put the skate back on and went out and played the rest of the game.

I can't find this version on the InterWeb anywhere, but I distinctly remember Kasparaitis telling the story this way:

I took off my skate, and it started to swell up. I didn't want to leave the team with five guys [on defense], so I put the skate back on.

In the versions I can find, he talks about how the skate is like a cast, and skating keeps the swelling down. He didn't rule out playing the next game until after the morning skate that day. It was even reported that he skated at practice that day, though I'm not sure how since there are quotes from his teammate Jaromir Jagr about how his foot was too big for a human-sized skate.

But maybe he was riding a high streak. A few days earlier, he'd scored a goal - a very rare event for him. And it was a game-winning goal. In overtime. In game seven. Against Dominik Hasek.

I still have that goal saved on my old TiVo.

Found this quote from him.

If I can get the boot on, I will play. A normal person couldn't do it, but hockey players are not normal.

Thanks, Darius.

Vintage Kaspar:
http://www.dariuskasparaitis.com/articles/art74.html
http://www.dariuskasparaitis.com/articles/art120.html
http://www.dariuskasparaitis.com/articles/art79.html
Post-Gazette: Kasparaitis will attempt to play in Game 3 despite broken toes
Modern Kaspar - do you read Russian?:
http://darius-kasper.livejournal.com/

Tougher Dog Laws

Tougher Dog Laws

Found this on a memory card I swapped out at Christmas time and never unloaded until today. This was the (front page of the) newspaper we found in the coffee shop on the way home from visiting my pseudo-in-laws.

The wiener dog photo is completely unrelated to the "tougher dog laws" story. Somebody at the Oil City Derrick was having a fun time working on the holiday.

Advice from Writers

I'm not a writer, but I do occasionally associate with them. They're always getting asked for advice. This week Neil Gaiman posted this great story on his blog about the best advice he ever got from another writer:

In the shower today I tried to think about the best advice I'd ever been given by another writer. There was something that someone said at my first Milford, about using style as a covering, but sooner or later you would have to walk naked down the street, that was useful...

And then I remembered. It was Harlan Ellison about a decade ago.

He said, "Hey. Gaiman. What's with the stubble? Every time I see you, you're stubbly. What is it? Some kind of English fashion statement?"

"Not really."

"Well? Don't they have razors in England for Chrissakes?"

"If you must know, I don't like shaving because I have a really tough beard and sensitive skin. So by the time I've finished shaving I've usually scraped my face a bit. So I do it as little as possible."

"Oh." He paused. "I've got that too. What you do is, you rub your stubble with hair conditioner. Leave it a couple of minutes, then wash it off. Then shave normally. Makes it really easy to shave. No scraping."

I tried it. It works like a charm. Best advice from a writer I've ever received.

Advances in Toaster UI

Dream Toaster
Originally uploaded by erink

Came across this toaster in a shop window. It has the functions you actually want when making toast: "Lift and Look" and "A little More" are groundbreaking.

Well at least they're pretty darn cool.

One problem, the shop was Williams Sonoma and the toaster is ridiculously expensive.

But it sure is pretty.

Pretty Important

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

Todays' random quotation on my Google homepage.

Yes, I am avoiding finishing my taxes, why do you ask?

Missing the Point

When making a recent ThinkGeek order, I noticed they had these OpenX package opening gadgets for pretty cheap (like $2 or $3) so I got one. It's for opening those horrible plastic clamshell packages that won't tear and then cut the shit out of your hands when you do get them halfway open.

So I was pretty surprised when I got the gadget and it was packaged in one of those horrible plastic fused clamshells. What were they thinking?


I would like a bit more of an apology - instead they're actually kind of smug:


Oh well. If I ever get it open I'll let you know how it works.

The ThinkGeek order, by the way, was inspired by their April 1 newsletter, which is always awesome. Check out this year's version at http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/2008.shtml

Magically Delicious

My parents didn't let me have crap cereals. We would beg and beg, but no go.

Mom did let us pick out cereal at the grocery store but there was some rule that we had to find ones that didn't have sugar as the first ingredient. (Although, looking back, I can't believe those existed, so it must have been sugar as the first or second ingredient.) Sucrose and corn syrup and all that stuff count as sugar too, of course. Somehow, King Vitamin and Frosted Flakes passed, but no Frankenberry or Fruit Loops or Coco Puffs.

That last bit might have had something to do with the fact that my dad liked Frosted Flakes....

So I had to learn about sugar cereals in college. The dining center had these huge bins of breakfast cereal available at every meal. (I remember a bet at my table once that you couldn't distinguish different colored Fruit Loops by flavor.) That was how I discovered Lucky Charms.

I really like Lucky Charms. They're oaty and sweet. Not too sweet. And they have two flavors that you alternate back and forth: oaty cereal and sweet marshmallows.

In college I learned the marshmallow trick. I never liked Lucky Charms much because the dehydrated marshmallows were chalky and squeaked on my teeth. In college I discovered that if you made sure to get the marshmallows all wet right away, they soften up and don't scrape your teeth so much.

The marshmallow shapes have got totally out of hand, though. When I was a kid they had "pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers." Then in a media blitz they introduced a new marshmallow: blue diamonds. Soon it was "pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horseshoes!" Then they realized they could do "special editions" with different marshmallows. Now the marshmallows are all multicolored (new technology from a few years ago), and much bigger than the originals. Of course, Wikipedia has an exhaustive article on Lucky Charms' "marbits" through history....

As an adult, I buy Lucky Charms every few months. Whenever I open the cereal cabinet not knowing what I want, I see it and get all enthusiastic about having Lucky Charms. I don't know why. But you have to go for those small moments of joy.

There is one thing I never understood. The oat cereal pieces are shaped exactly like dry cat food. Does General Mills make cat kibble too?

Creepy Products I Have Known

Better Than Ears

I found these at a grocery store years ago. They're supposed to replace the boiled pig ears that you can buy in huge bags to feed your dogs (which are another creepy product themselves). Which is worse, ears or pseudo-ears?

But you get 50% more free!




Wee Block

I'd heard of these when I was with two new moms who were talking about baby products you shouldn't buy because they were stupid. This is a cup-shaped sponge you put over your baby boy's weenie while changing him so he can't squirt urine very far when the diaper is off. I'd never seen one for real so when I was shopping at a local baby superstore (site of a relative's shower registry) I sought this one out.

The other one I heard of had a better name: "the pee-pee teepee"

But the "tinkle tinkle lil' star" embroidery is a creepy touch....

Resurrection Eggs

This was in the Easter section of the Mississippi Sprawl-Mart where we went to buy camping supplies. (I held out on buying stuff there as long as possible, but when you're stranded in the south and on a time budget it's difficult....)

These are plastic eggs with mysterious symbols inside that somehow are supposed to teach the story of Jesus's crucifixion and resurrection.

Yeah, we're really supposed to believe that this kid is happy to find a bloody crown of thorns in that egg instead of a chocolate?

Over 1 million sold!

Oops! Disposable Panties

Almost forgot the creepiest one: emergency panties.

"Ideal for camping and travelling[sic]!" it says. (Actually, I've seen normal undies at way less than $2/each, and since this two-pack cost $3.99, I think the cotton still wins out.)

"Keep a pack handy for those Heavy Flow days!"

It could have been worse - I found these in a hotel gift shop (where I suppose I was buying "emergency" hosiery, since I was getting a foot blister and the drugstore was several more blocks away), not in a nightclub toilet or highway rest area.

They're ingeniously packed into a compressed disc about 2" diameter and less than an inch high. And the sizing? "Free size," it says. But not so free as you could be.

Statistically Improbably Phrases

My best one for this week:

"That's a cross-check, you piece of poo."

According to Amazon.com, "Statistically Improbable Phrases" are phrases that occur in the text of one book but not very frequently in other books. The phrases don't have to be rare in that particular book, just in books in general.

Which kind of makes sense, because I'm pretty sure I've said something close to that before. But hey, it was a 3 p.m. game. You have to tone it down.

P.S. Here's everything you need to know about hockey penalties