Creepy Products I Have Known

Better Than Ears

I found these at a grocery store years ago. They're supposed to replace the boiled pig ears that you can buy in huge bags to feed your dogs (which are another creepy product themselves). Which is worse, ears or pseudo-ears?

But you get 50% more free!




Wee Block

I'd heard of these when I was with two new moms who were talking about baby products you shouldn't buy because they were stupid. This is a cup-shaped sponge you put over your baby boy's weenie while changing him so he can't squirt urine very far when the diaper is off. I'd never seen one for real so when I was shopping at a local baby superstore (site of a relative's shower registry) I sought this one out.

The other one I heard of had a better name: "the pee-pee teepee"

But the "tinkle tinkle lil' star" embroidery is a creepy touch....

Resurrection Eggs

This was in the Easter section of the Mississippi Sprawl-Mart where we went to buy camping supplies. (I held out on buying stuff there as long as possible, but when you're stranded in the south and on a time budget it's difficult....)

These are plastic eggs with mysterious symbols inside that somehow are supposed to teach the story of Jesus's crucifixion and resurrection.

Yeah, we're really supposed to believe that this kid is happy to find a bloody crown of thorns in that egg instead of a chocolate?

Over 1 million sold!

Oops! Disposable Panties

Almost forgot the creepiest one: emergency panties.

"Ideal for camping and travelling[sic]!" it says. (Actually, I've seen normal undies at way less than $2/each, and since this two-pack cost $3.99, I think the cotton still wins out.)

"Keep a pack handy for those Heavy Flow days!"

It could have been worse - I found these in a hotel gift shop (where I suppose I was buying "emergency" hosiery, since I was getting a foot blister and the drugstore was several more blocks away), not in a nightclub toilet or highway rest area.

They're ingeniously packed into a compressed disc about 2" diameter and less than an inch high. And the sizing? "Free size," it says. But not so free as you could be.

Statistically Improbably Phrases

My best one for this week:

"That's a cross-check, you piece of poo."

According to Amazon.com, "Statistically Improbable Phrases" are phrases that occur in the text of one book but not very frequently in other books. The phrases don't have to be rare in that particular book, just in books in general.

Which kind of makes sense, because I'm pretty sure I've said something close to that before. But hey, it was a 3 p.m. game. You have to tone it down.

P.S. Here's everything you need to know about hockey penalties